Be strong

My dear,
I hope you waking up to the chirping of birds,
and the warm glow of sunlight,
in warm bed sheets,
on a good breezy morning.
Last night, ended in a way not quite you expected,
but you know it's alright,
and it's not your fault things turned that way.

Most times, people are lovely and sweet,
but they do show their fangs and back sometimes.
They might be tired, stressed, hurt,
but not by you,
by the people they cared or does not care for.
They bare their fangs onto you,
in order to get rid the darkness inside them,
but you stayed strong.
Not joining in and unleashed your dark shadows,
is the best decision you had ever make.

My dear,
Although tears streams down,
in your room after leaving them,
but these tears strengthen you,
reminding you of who you are.
At these times,
wisdom words of closest,
will set you free from what you feared of,
and stayed true to your own.
Enlightened by the scars and ugly emotions you faced,
now standing there in the morning glow,
by those pale blue curtains,
is a stronger you to face new challenges.


Behind the story:

Well i wrote this when I find it hard to deal with other peoples ugly emotions. They can be a friend, acquaintance from work or school, where they are caught up by their own emotions and hoping to find someone to share their shadows. If they had done it in a more frank and positive way, the other party is able to effectively shares their burden and consoles them. But there are those who are driven by their egos, luring you to feel the same way as they had and enforcing their intentions on you, hoping you to say "Yes! I felt exactly the way you said so," just to make them feel the same way as they are. It doesn't feel right, when a friend of mine tried make me to agree with her. I feel uncomfortable and emotionally drained throughout the day. But thanks to a close friend, I'm back on track now! I hope that this piece of work (not sure is a poem or article or what) would help those who need to lighten these emotional burden on them, just like how it had healed mine :)

走得一无预兆

真是的，又再把事情想像的太好了，算了吧，自己的分量自己知道。或许我现在很随意，很包容，可是别把我的包容给耗尽，那是你就会懂我的冷眼，可能我现在对你来说，是不离不弃，但是，我走的时候也毫无预兆，也不会留恋的向前走。曾经听过一句话，在一段感情里，往往爱得越深的人越吃亏，看似乎对的，但那也只是还在感情中的时候。往往付出越多的人，在离开时，也走得更潇洒，因为他们已经尽力了，没有遗憾，反而那些一直在接受的人，是最放不开的人，因为他们懂他们可以做得更好，一直紧捉着那遗憾。 是的，仔细想想，的确我没什么遗憾，因为不管是友情或爱情，我都是会尽我的好来对待他们，我想这应该是我的唯一优点吧，虽然也是我最致命的缺点。看看我还能耗多久吧，我这个笨蛋。想到了林宥嘉的浪费，虽然我不是像他唱的“用我一生给你浪费”， 但也有点相似，在他的情感方面吧。

2016

很感谢这一年，和这新的一年，更加地看清了自己的不足，现在，看到的不再是他人的不对，而是自己的不好。心里也不在痛苦折磨了，朋友的那句话来的刚好，“兔子用跳的，活了8年；狗用跑的，活了15年；乌龟啥都不做，活了150年。” 有时候，我也得我在错的地方活得太过认真，去猜测他人的真心，这种其实没答案啊，又不是她肚里的蛔虫，哪懂真不真诚，这种是日子久了就看得出了啦。这样只会让自己变得精神恍惚，没自信呢。就顺其自然吧，也不能干嘛的。
呵呵，昨天和一个很久没见的朋友去了槟城哦！天，太太太开心了，其实也没想到我妈会让我去呢，第一次坐着朋友的车到槟城去，超嗨的，前晚还睡不着呢！三个傻瓜，进了鬼屋，却都怕鬼，哈哈哈！真的留了很好的回忆呢 :D

下一步，准备

不再害怕孤单了，因为懂了，不委屈就全，宁缺勿滥的道理。我想，大概有半年了吧，努力的都努力了，应该是缘分不够吧，不必再勉强了。心里也坦然了，因为不是谁的错，只怪我们的世界不一样，我想我进不去你们那花花世界去，我只想要个黑白世界就好了。不需太多的花枝，也不需再猜测太多，就我需要的只是那对与错，直接，诚实的世界。就爽快地放手吧，不是不再是朋友了，见面时也可以很开心的打招呼，聊聊近况，但再深一步就不需要了，不必让彼此如此的不舒服吧。有时，就需要些遗憾，才能留下更深刻的印象吧。就好像我去年夏天去了东京一趟，就算身旁的人都告诉我，夏天的云朵会遮盖了富士山的山顶，我还是去了。算是给心里一个交代吧，去了，也真的只看到半山腰，但是就有了再来一次的理由，下次，一定会在冬天时再来一次的，泡着温泉，看着那白白的山顶。

消失的富士山顶

话说，冬天时，富士山会倒影在冰冻的湖上。

我想，生命就是一个路途。有时，你会因为要了快抵达目的地，而忽略了景边的小草小花，有时你抵达了目的地，却发现其实那不是你要去的地方，你真正珍惜的是那些些小花小草。说回那富士山之旅吧，一开始是以富士山而出发的，却很意外的看到了遍地盛开的薰以花草，还以为只能去北海道才能看到的，在这里就看到了。生命就是如此吧，当一个门为你关起时，另一把门会为你开启。很感谢，生命的这些考验，让我更加看清了我真正想要珍惜的人们呢。在这半年里，我也遇见一另一班人，我相处起来很舒服的人们，虽然还没到很深交的地步，可是我们正慢慢前进，以最自然的方式更近一步吧。希望，我的下一步，我可以更准备的去面对我要面临的挑战。

薰以花草们

                                     

站在富士山前，和薰衣草们以之间的我，看起来真的很渺小吧！

嘉忆笔上

热，22.4.15

Alone ≠ loneliness

Am I holding in or dealing with it? I don't know. I felt so torn inside. Struggling with loneliness. I know this is a battle of my own. It was said that the moments you feel lonely are the moments you may most need to be by yourself.  Ha! What makes you sick cures you. I don't believe it at first, thinking that being alone is the loneliest and it would be the last thing that I ever wanted to do. But now, here I am, alone in the room, escaping from those noisy world outside. I felt a lot more comfortable, under my own skin, doing the things I want and just be me.  Now I know why I'm always felt terrible after those long hours of socialising. And it's time for me to do find ways to fight off these terrible feelings, to figure out where to go and what I want to do. Always keep in mind that you are not lonely, unless you felt so. Being alone doesn't means that you are lonely. 

P.S. For those who also felt this way, I would like to recommend a website, which had always brings the light for me whenever I'm no good. 

http://www.marcandangel.com/2014/03/19/10-things-to-remember-when-you-feel-lost-and-alone/

First time lyrics writing

So, this is my first time writing lyrics to a song. WOW! It was an eye opening experience, I never thought that I could be this artist in writing (SiaoZaBo). So this is what I had wrote and proposed to them.

It’s the day, the first step,

Anxiety filled me, then our eyes catch,

easiness swept through me,

I know we all felt the same.

Those awkward smiles had become friendlier ones

The string around us, thickens as time passes

What we had was short, but strong in our hearts

even we stopped saying goodbye, the memories are all inside

Simple talk, awkward smiles

Then comfort mocking and relax bearing

ever craving for the next meeting

How fast for us to be close acquaintance

In this Big city full of beautiful lights,

At times where my visions are blinded, you came by

took my hand and guide, 

it’s like we get to see tomorrow’s sunrise 

hand in hand marched towards the bright light 

The world before seems black and white,

But with you, they are all sparks and lights.

What we had was short, but strong in our minds

even we stopped saying goodbye, the memories are all still inside

Although in the end, only some parts are used but I'm still very happy :) And I get to sing my part ^.^
It's so obvious that I'm totally clueless during the first recording. I had no confidence in my voice and it kinda burdens the others too. So for next recording, i'm gonna work very very hard, mentally prepared myself for it. As this song is ours, every part of it had all those pieces of us in it. I really hoped that it will be a big success. 

I'm totally a newbie, still learning on how to do follow the melody and the beat, and singing (opps, I'm really bad at it). I kinda enjoy writing it and now planing to have a project with that sigui rui XDDD

Nothing is forever

Still adjusting to the life at here. In this big city, there are too much lonely souls. Everyone is hiding something, they are afraid of being judge by others, whether the others are friends or strangers. Afraid that if they just be themselves, they will not be accepted by this world or even worst, by those whom they really gave a shit in. Lonely it is. Not being able to be accepted as who they truly are. Being judged by those peoples, who they think they really are? God? Prosecutors? They are just humans too. It may be that they are being judged before too, so it's a cycle, where It won't stops until one stops.

I do need the courage which Taylor Swift has, not being afraid to those who judges. Since when, I cared that much about what the others thinks about me. It had just became a bigger and bigger burden in me, where until the point I can't be who I really was. Since when? Is it because of her? Please just stop this cycle. I'm not going to judge anyone, please just stop. I want to be able to stand, head strong, look into the eyes of those who hates me, seeing my own laughing face.

I'm shaky in the inside, felt insecure about this big city, nothing seems eternity. But then I remind myself that nothing is eternity, there aren't be anything that will be with you forever. Love fades, friendship betrayal, material stuffs wore and tears, nothing is eternity, Chia Yee! It's time to be myself, to be who I really meant to be. Just believe in your heart and you will get to the place you should. Nothing is forever - Yong Jun Hyung.

Just Lost.

This year, 2014, had been a tough one. There are so many ups and downs, gets and loses. I'm pulling up a tough image on the outside, but inside, it's shaky, felt like I'm going to shattered anytime soon. There are times where I just stare in blank even when I'm with a group of people. The Taiwanese boy band which I once loved, I had stop listening to them now. It's not that I'm tired of them, It's just that their songs just reminds me of someone I had just lost this year. After the day she'd passed away, I just found out how she had enjoyed this boy band so much. Listening to their song, especially "Tian Shi" really tears me apart. That day in the karaoke, their song was sang by my friend, without them knowing, I weeped as soon as the song starts. Sometimes It was just too much, I'm kinda lost in this big city. My aim is not clear, I don't know what I'm seeing, which steps to be taken. Lost. Lost. Lost.
And now I'm not sure what I'm talking about -_-. Well, this could counts as one of those failed posts.

Since when Fb had become such a public social site? I can't really share stuffs which are negative as not to even more pollute it. *Signs* Looks like I only had you, My Dear Dear bloggie :D

I'm 20. Had the best night in my life.

I'm officially 20 now. On 19/11/2014 1:10am. 20 years had past. Here I am now, in the capital city of this country. There are times where I felt alone, being left out, away from home. I really do think that I'm gonna spent my Birthday alone again. But really, I swear to God, this 20th Birthday is totally the best in my life! It's really a big surprise!! My BFF knows that i enjoyed bring low-key, so usually during da-day, they will just bring me out for a meal. But this year, really caught me off guard. Thanked God I get the time to change into a nicer shorts, or not it will ruined everything!!8 of u all, planned this without me knowing, now i get why I were asked of whether I liked chocolates, which unit I'm staying and so on!! So sneaky of u all :). It was an unforgettable Birthday, good memories which i will treasure in my heart. I'm bad in expressing myself, and this is the best way I'm confident that I can tell them what I really felt for today. So now its the time to thank them, for their efforts on giving me such a wonderful Birthday.

Like a Boss. LOL. ZX your pose cnt change d hor? :D

ZX: U!! Being so cool on the outside, I would never know you are so passionate in the inside if we haven't been in the same course. Thank you for always being with me, helped me out when I was down and cared for me. And that time too, when you asked me whether i'm thirsty or not. At that moment, I know that it will be the first and the last time you doing this to me :D.

AC: You who doesn't expressed yourself much had showed the other side of yours today. What a surprise!! The time we spent together weren't much, I hoped that we get to know each other more in the future. :D

PL: You too! That kind heart of yours and cheerfulness had always washed away all my bad thoughts I had in mind. And I'm totally going to the karaoke with you for the rest of 4 years!! That sweet voice of yours really touched me every time u sings. ;)

ZL: I hoped I didn't get your name wrong >.<. You and PL are always so cute, with all those super cute reactions, always ends my day with a big smile :D. Hoped that we can get closer too ^^.

XY: I never thought that you will celebrate my birthday!! It really meant a lot to me :D. Let's get closer and be the strength to each other^^. And bring me to your hometown once, really curious about  the other side of Msia.

YY: You har, bad girl. Lied to me. Make me disappointed at first. But after that really give me a surprise lo. Hahax, siaozabor! Thx for being there for me when I needed help most, Love ya XOXO.

H: I was surprised to hear guys voices when you all were singing Happy Birthday song. It's the first time, other than my relatives, there are guy friends who celebrated my Birthday. And your voice, is really really good :D. Thanks for singing at the karaoke, really felt like I'm in the middle of a concert. And always accompanies us back whenever its late. And finally felt that you are very man when paying for the karaoke. :D Jz jk ^^.

JY: You too, who lived more than 20 mins walk away, came here. I really really appreciate that you kept your promise, to sing for us when we go to the karaoke. And you rapped My Oppa's part. It's really daebak!! I don't think I can forget that :DD. It's a pity that I didn't get to record it down. >.<. Definitely going to the karaoke with u guys again!! Its a concert!!

It's really been an enjoyable night and its kinda sad that it ends so fast. I'm still being overwhelmed by those happiness and positive energises you all gave me just now :DDD. Thanks for not letting me celebrating da-day alone, rotting myself in the room with all those videos of Oppa's. I will cherished this night until I got Alzheimer's. :DDD. At last, I hoped that everyone of us will have good health and no ones gets to repeat another sem :D Be happy too ^^

Hand. Grab. Hand

SO there's this guy, who i barely know, where we met at the faculty's general office for the first time. He's blocking half of the narrow hallway, where my friend and I are walking towards another friend of mine. I don't really saw his face, just his voice "Sorry" and him shifting towards the wall. But still our bags brushes to each other's. Do I already paid attention to him since that time? I don't really recall.

Then there's this second time where during the welcoming concert for freshmen's, him and this one typical banana (means Chinese who doesn't know Chinese) was like suddenly being so excited for liking the same singer. This singer is then i found out he is the Jason M'raz, who I was mistaking with David Guetta. That's just so humiliating. =.=. The third time is where we were being grouped as a team during campus hunt through this very lousy game. And with everyone looking at each other or at the ground, he volunteered to become the leader. Thus, named our team as hungry chickens and the slogan 'We are hungry, don't make us angry'. A great laugh, indeed.

The instance when i was attracted to him is during a game where we as a team being blind folded and as the leader, he needs to listen to the instructor's whistle carefully while the other team being the distractor. The moment his hands grabbing mine, the time where i was blinded by the dark cloth, something went through my whole body. So, this is it. The warmth of his hands bring thrills to my heart. Just as what the love songs, novels and movies says, electrical jolts from my head to the toes. It's a pleasant feeling though. Being able to have my hands wrapped warmly, makes me realised how long is it since the last time I'm being held my someone other than me. I don't know whether he felt anything at all, but all, ALL sorts of feeling ran through my body and my heart.

Since then, I'm doomed. All i could think of is him before sleep. So, this is love-struck. Unpredictable. Uncontrollable. Well, I'm going to end this feeling anyway. Seem's like he had got this important girl in his life. It's the right person during the bad time again.  There are no what ifs. I'm sure this time. :/

The greatest dilemma ever

I'm very stressed out these few days. Pimples are starting to popped up on my forehead. Like every other 20-year-old Malaysians, I'm having the greatest dilemma ever since i had born.

It's when i had to decide where and what to study for my university course. Seriously, I'm from a typical conservative Asian (especially Chinese) Family. My further study choices are just limited to those so-called professional courses, which are Doctor, Lawyer, Engineer, Pharmacy and Dentistry. I had a above average results, which means that i'm totally forced to choose those courses as they don't care whether i'm interested in it or not, they just imagined that i will handle well and graduate to be those professionals.

Since i didn't get Dentistry for my local university intake, that means the choices just narrowed down to only engineering. But the truth is, I don't like engineering. Nope, I DESPICED anything that related to Physics. I can't understand what all those theorems are for about. What I want to study is the course related to either Biology or Chemistry or both. Biochemistry really catches my eyes. I find the course fascinating and I liked what it studies.

I'm always the soft one. I couldn't let them disappointed. Does that mean i really need to give in and study Material and Manufacturing Engineering? What should I do?

Looking back and starting again

It's been quite a long time since the last post I wrote. Let me update my current situation.

• Finished STPM Term 3,
•  nothing to do until August 2014,
•  will be a Switcher in few more days. 

So, Last month(December 2013) is a adventurous and cheerful one. Immediate after STPM examination, my family and I went to Bangkok for 4 days and 3 nights. I was so excited and looking forward to it. It's been my dream to go there since 11. The whole journey is fine for me except for the accommodation part. We had basicly booked the wrong hotel as for the location of it is not suitable walking at night. So we spent our time watching TV in our hotel room after 6pm. Overall, I'm really satisfied with the Sky Train system in Bangkok. The directions are clear and written in English, and the stations are near to most of the tourist attractions. I will go there again, maybe in 5 years time.

The view of Bangkok from my hotel room window.

A week after Bangkok, I had joined my relatives on a tour to Pangkor Island. We spent only 2 days 1 night at there as Pangkor is a very small island.  The view is amazing. The water is near to crystal clear and the weather is really nice. It's just that there are too many tourists. The most famous beach in Pangkor, Tanjung Nipah is totally full of Malaysians and foreigners. It's quiet hard to find a spot where you can sit back and relax. The chalet we stayed are quiet comfy and clean. The breakfast provided is traditional Malaysian food where most of the visitors can accept. 

The near crystal clear water at Tanjung Nipah.

Pangkor Island.

After going to all these places, I had finally starting to sit down and plan what job should I be doing for the free time. After applying for numerous jobs, then Switched called. I had an interview scheduled for the next day. And I got the job! This is really a dream come true for me. I had always wanted to be a Switcher. I'm so nervous right now as I will be trained tomorrow to become a qualified Switcher. Wish me luck guys. I had done homework and I hope I will outshine myself during this time working in Switch. So, I'm going to end this. Happy New Year Everyone and cherish your time in 2014.

Love,

JC.

Sudden Hormone Disorder

Its been a while since i written the last post. Things are doing great for me starting this year. I had new friends and better grades, but still somehow i felt depressed.  I felt that there is something missing in my life. Im not satisfied by how things are now. I want to have a better relationships with my new friends. I want to be closed to others other than my current bffs. But i don't know how since i sucks in socializing. Am i being too greedy? Should i just be happy with what i have now? Im just so confused. 😞

I hope that things will go well after time. Maybe its just my hormones getting weird or what. Fighting CY!!!!! U can do it :)

P.S. Btw im watching this sooooo cool korean drama named 'I hear your voice'. Im soooo into this actor right now :)

Jong suk oppa, fighting!!!

Thanks , cute guy.

Who knew that small things in life will makes a big change to you? 

As usual, I'm going on the bus after school. There was no other place sit besides the front role with a small guy on it. Those watery eyes, reflects how nervous and doubtness he had when I sat beside him.He, 3 or 4 years old, holding a pillow which was covered with dirt, sweat over the hairs and that crumple old tee which probably is his bro's, took a glance at me then turned towards the window.

Seeing him hugging that pillow, reminds me how alike are we. There is this set of pillow and bolster which my aunt made specially for me when I'm 6 years old. I don't really get along with my cousins and I'm always the one who is left out. So, they are made to be my 'companion' and I used to carry them around. I had been using for more than 10 years and it's really mean a great lot for me. 

Looking him with his pillow makes me realized that sometimes by having one precious thing in your life is enough. It may be anything, physical or abstract, as long as it is something that reminds you of who you are and where you can share a memory of it with others. By then, my day lights on, the hardship which I bare had gone, left the lesson which I had just learnt to know. 

Thanks, cute guy.

Life of Pi

Watched this movie last Wednesday. At first I thought this was a magical-kind story which a boy and a tiger survived from ship wreck. The bengala tiger. The deep blue sea. The curly hair of his. The other three animals: hyaena, zebra and a orang utan. Then, its not. In the end, this isnt a fairy tale. He is the bengala tiger. The zebra is a sailor with a broken leg. The orang utan is his mom. The hyaena is the cruel chef. The rest I will leave for u to watch it.
The plot is organised in a quiet unexpectable way. After the movie, u won't stop thinking about what people capable to do. Then I think about doomsday. If this day really came, what would people do to survive. Killing each other? Then eats their flesh? In the end, I only could wish that you may enjoy ur life and prepare for the worst.

Angry then Forgive and Forget

Anger, Frustrated, Annoyed, Hurt, and anything could go with these vocabs are what I had been through for the past few months. I won't be telling the story behind all of these as I had promised myself not to talk about it. 

This year really isn't the best for me. A lot of things happen to me and my family. But apart from these negative emotions, I'm grateful are what I had been gone through. It was like a challenge to me, finding my own self again, struggling to do the right thing and decide for my future.  

I had signed up for Polytechnic in diploma for Architecture. I really hoped that I get it. What I really want now is get away from all these craps and had a whole new life, a life without fears and full with positive attitude.

I liked to thank you, my friend, for what you did to me. It really challenges my self-control and patience but now I didn't think I felt it anymore. It's forgive and forget now. Give me some time and spaces, I know I can do this :) 

A letter to my idol : Aung San Suu Kyi

                                                                                                                             

Dearest Suu Kyi,

          I know this might be weird but i do need to express my gratitute towards you. It was a starstuck moment for the first time I saw you. I was just 12 and was sitting in the living room watching the 8 o'clock news with my family. Then I saw you, standing behind the house gate of yours, waving your hands towards the supporters outside your house. The calm posture of yours, those tenderness eyes and the graceful way of yours waving your hands, "WOW" was the only word I had said after that news.

         After that, I found out more about you through my mum and the papers and the internet.
 I was stunned by who you are and what you did. Who could imagine that a woman with a charming feature and those slim limbs could have such strong and determined characters, using every strength she had to fight for her country. (Her calmness and polite manners whenever facing various situation and obstacles makes her even more respectable and I do believe this is one of the factors she was being given the Noble Peace Prize in 1991. However, she choose not to receive it because she was afraid that she won't get the chance to step into her own country again if she went abroad.)

         I would really like to thank you as somehow those endless spirits of yours had rekindles my passion towards politics. I hope that someday I will be somebody who is as kind-hearted and passionate as you.I shall end my letter by wishing you good luck and success for the hardworks of yours throughout these many years.

       Dam Suu, the forever Iron Lady in my heart.
       ( Dam Suu means Mother Suu by Burmese )

P.S. Please forgive me to address this lady of the century without the politeness of using either "madam" or any other suitable callings.

I'm LOST

I'm lost, and not just any paths or roads on this world,it's my life which I need to go on for maybe another half of decade. I had spent quiet a portion of my 18 life facing various obstacles,some ended quiet well but some just terrible. Somehow after these painful experience, I'm not me anymore. I'm not easy-going and caring, mostly spent most of my time gloomy and sad, I just bury my head into the sand and built up an protective shell for me,to avoid getting in touch with those terrifying problems.

Till now, after my dear friend exploded to me then I know I'm really off my track, I simply cant remember who I really is,all that is in my mind are those memories of being betrayed, being dumped and any other bad things at people who done to me. I hardly felt anything for the past years as I had shut down my thoughts and feelings. For such person like me, of course I denied his claim at first. But after listen his explanation, deep down inside me knew he is right. It was really hard at first, to tear open the well bandaged wounds, slowly take down the shell which I set up. I cried for most of the time. Thinking back those memories, analyses them in different point of view. But as you slowly proceeding this, you are unattaching those bad memories, seeing it as just an old path of you, you just felt free and gleeful. I had never felt this great before, it was like all this burden I had dumped away and I'm myself again. I don't need to be somebody who everyone wants me too, I'm just me meeeee :) Still now I still having some trouble with of low self esteem prob, but dont worried I will sort it out :)

Thanks for reading my blog tentatively. Have a great day :) I'm gonna blast off , woohoo

Perfectionist

Yes, I am one, wouldn't denied that.But not in every aspect, just one, and that's my love life. Kinda hoped that I would get a handsome BF just like Big Bang's T.O.P, height which at least 180cm and above, great bodyline, intelligent, humor, sporting, good in socializing, great family background and most of all, the one who could accept me as who I am. Well you know, of course I haven't yet met this kind of guy before because he was like 100% perfect without any weakness.

Apart from outer appearance, I do kinda wished to have a romantic lover. Well, it's not like giving me non stop of surprises or doing something really insane for me, it's just that he would listen to me and then take notice of every little tiny details about me :) Like remember that i hate eating tauge so no tauge in any meals or the date of my ms and kindly remind me to be prepared.

Yes yes, I know I know. I should stop dreaming right now, this instance. But this had become kinda a disease, sure will happen whenever I meet a guy. Conflicts on my own will pop up, doubting my faith in his, 'Is he THE ONE?' , 'Does he deserved to be with you?','Shouldn't he treat you more nicely?', 'He's not that good,isn't he?', 'Are you SURE you wanna be with him?'. It was like wanna ask everything from him, wanting him to become THE ONE,not himself and i felt selfish and arrogant.

This really tired's me off. Battling with my own thoughts, fighting back every accusing of him, disappointment of him. Kinda lost at here. Felt the loneliness creeps up every second, unsecureness was like gonna swallowed me down. Its not their problem, it's just mine. My perfection after lover

P.s. This is my ideal guy from now on :D

Driving me crazy

Well,I don't like saying this but I think I'm going nuts. You might think that "Hey,you just get your SPM results and had finished serving the National Service, is there anything really buggs you?" Unfortunately, yes. There are tons of things in my life is gonna crush me into bits =.= 



First, driving licence . Yup, I still haven't get any test or exams and haven't sit for the talk. When i'm still thinking that there is still plenty of time left, then our dear and sweet gouverment hits me in the head. They are changing the "Undang" exam system. The exam is suppose to do it by computer and now they wants it in essay starting this June. This news surely makes me fell of my chair and freaks me out. Imagine Undangs in essay, WOW sounds like a Sejarah paper for me. The pressure is up and i'm gonna register for the exam next week. Wish me luck :)

Next, my weight problem . After NS, my weight just surged up. Thanks to the Hell-Like NS, my family,friends and relatives keep asking me out and taking me for breakfast,lunch and dinner. That may sounds great to you but bad to my weight :( There is one friend of my who do care for my health and brought me to the park for a walk ( although i'm wearing heels that day and we just had lunch). Hurray for him xD ( Out of his "kindness", he asked whether wants to have a mango ice later but i said no )

Gonna start exercise again :)

Then, my friends . After getting the results, a lot of my friends had already applied for colleges and succeed. Some of them had gone already but i really do missed them :( Now just left me and some who can't afford to go for a private university and still waiting for any miracles in this small small town. Pathetic it is . But still I'm happy for my friends who had go on their lives and good luck for any scholarship replies.

Last but not least, my grandma. She just had a operation on Monday. Although the operation is a success,but she's now suffer from the so-called 'After operation effects'. She barely can walks and her leg is in pain. It s painful to watch,don't mention who is suffering it. I'm really worried about her and hurts me when she's in pain. I'm going to take care her because my aunt is quiet bsy with her work. Let's hope that she will recover soon :)

Yup,I had finished complaining. Since i had no one to talk to, so i just write them here :)

Byez. Will update something soon :)

P.S. I'm quiet sad to find out that you are leaving soon,But still good luck and study hard in Singapore. <3